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October 20, 2003
albusphobia - fear of white
I have never dreamed up my wedding day, and I'm not looking forward to planning a wedding. I have to admit, I played with the idea of eloping quite abit. Spend the money of a wedding on a wonderful vacation and just go away and get married away. But the more I thought about it, the more my heart sank. A wedding really is a time to celebrate with familly and friends. I can't imagine not being surrounded by my friends and familly on the day I take my vows. I need them there as I take this big step, and I hope they want to be. I want to celebrate this big step with a wonderful reception. I hope I can invite everyone who wants to be there.
I finally got my head around the fact that I actually am going to have a wedding and I am going to have to plan it so today I actually walked into a store that sells wedding dresses. Alot of them. I decided it was maybe time to gather together some information on planing a wedding, and what better place than a bridal dress shop. Every bride has to go in there right?
Wow, it was strange. It was like a warehouse. I always pass it by down town. The last time I actually went downtown was before school started, before our engagement. The last time I passed infront of that window was with Drew and some good friends. They all were poking me and Drew in that nosey in your business annoying way and comenting on how pretty the dresses were in the window, while they were pretending to make a not so obvious, obvious comment. I used to reply to them that the dress was indeed beautiful in a tone I would hope and pray that Drew would not take as me pressuring him.
It was a nervous feeling having a wedding dress infront of me before I was engaged. I was even more nervous to walk into the store.
The way I envisioned entering the store was that I would walk in and near the front (to me logically the left side)would be the cash and all sorts of pamphlets... but no.
The Cash was at the back of the warehouse, not the prim and proper seamstress shop I had imagined from the well displayed front window. I had to walk past racks and racks of puffy long white dresses before I finally reached the till at the back of the store. There was a nervous anxety overwhelming me that I will have to not only pick a dress, But a hall, a florist, a cake, a bakery, A menu,a caterer, there will be fittings, and registeries. There will be so many details I won't know what to do. I know I will need help and that is what bridesmaids are for, Then the thought of who would I want as a bridesmaid, would I let anyone down if I didn't ask them. And worst of all how would I feel if someone didn't want to be a bridesmaid. Are any of my decisions going to have a negative effect on my friendships? All these thoughts made me feel anxious while I walked down the isle of that store.
I finally reached the till and asked the clerk if she had any paperwork on self wedding planning, any magazienes or anything. She said she sure did, and asked me if I wanted to try any dresses on. I let out a nervous laugh and said... I'm not quite at the trying dresses on stage yet, I think I'm going to need support for that. She smiled and said no problem. Before I knew it I had a Bridal magazine and a million flyers and coupons in my hand. I thanked her and assured her I would likley be back when it was time for me to choose a dress. I had planned to do a little more shopping that day but my anxiety was too intense so I headed straight home. As I walked I kept tring to figure out why I was so nervous about planning a wedding. It's somthing most girls look forward to. Am I not ready to get married? How much will familly support our decision? I couldn't help but even question the worst, am I having cold feet about getting married to Drew?
When I came home from my trip downtown my heart was pounding as I walked up the steps to my apartment. I couldn't figure out my anxiety and that made me even more anxious.Then there under a mound of blankets in my bed, Drew was home from school early. He was fast asleep.It was a welcome unexpected surprise because I didn't think I would see him till another 9 hours had passed.
I crawled in behind him in the bed, wrapped my arms around him and rocked him as I hugged him tight. That nervous feeling slowly went away. I love him more than anyone could know. The fact I felt so bad and just seeing him could make me smile really says somthing.Then I realized somthing WE have to take our time with OUR wedding plans. I did put alot on myself, and it is for us. I do know I will have the suport of friends and familly, but even if this was somthing I had no support for, and nobody seemed to care, even if my wedding plans turned to complete disaster. I know the one who will get me through all of this is my future husband. It really does make me proud to know I'm going to have him there by my side, not only for this, but for the rest of my life.Posted by becca at October 20, 2003 11:39 PM
Comments
bad becca. don't make kathryn cry at work.oh god. i am so happy for you.i wish i was there.i would have dragged out in there and we would have chosen the oddest most flowery monstrosity imaginable.now where the hell is that kleenex?k.Posted by: kstangmer at October 21, 2003 04:12 PM
Rebecca, I will always be behind any decisions you make. If you ever need support I'm just a phone call away.
-DotPosted by: Dotty at October 22, 2003 01:50 AM
I can't believe you went in a bridal store ALL by yourself. That sounds scarey to me. How come Drew doesn't get a sappy diary? I guess it's a girl thing. (I mean sappy in a good way not a bad way, BTW)Posted by: Jen at October 22, 2003 02:08 AM